[Nefarious]

I love green text stories, since some of you are from b you should too.
Post your favorites.

>Be 15
>Sitting on the bus
>Get boner
>It's really noticeable
>My GF is to my left
>She starts touching boner
>Feelsgoodman.jpg
>Gives me handjob
>Everyone starts noticing
>Ejaculate out of fear
>Pants all covered in Jizz
>Bus driver shows tape to principal
>Principal invites parents to school
>Get expelled
>Dad laughs at me and never takes me serious
>Mum takes me to a therapist
>Hate my GF right now

>My GF is my hand

[Loli]

>not /b/
>lel.jpeg

[Customer]

>Be 13
>It's Christmas
>Grandmother knits me a sweater
>I like it, because it has "J" on it, and it was really cool
>Loveineverystitch.jpg
>I wear the sweater to school after break
>Everyone makes fun of me
>I tell everyone that my grandmother made it
>They laugh more
>My friend suggests that maybe it's cursed or something
>(Remember, we were young)
>I think that's crazy talk
>I go to bed with the sweater in my closet
>I wake up and it's on my chair
>Chair is where I usually put my clothes to wear for school
>Figured mother put it there
>whatever
>I put it on, and as soon as I put it on, I start to feel woozy
>Take tums
>Go outside, and notice my bike tires were flat
>feelsbadman.jpg
>Despite that, still go to school
>Walking to school, I notice my shoelace is untied
>bend down to tie it
>I notice stepped it gum
>whatthefuckshit
>Scrape it off
>Thinking to myself, "Why am I having such a bad day"
>Then I think about what my friend said
>Rush to my grandmothers house
>Knock on the door
>She lets me in
>I proceed to ask her about the sweater
>"Grandmother, not to be mean but I've had a run of bad luck since I've been wearing this sweater."
>She says, "Oh I know."
>whatthefuck.jpg
>"Grandma, is this thing cursed?"
>Points a gun to my head and replies, "Well yes!"
>I then notice when she steps back
>She's actually the loch ness monster
>"No grandma, please no!"
>Spaghetti is oozing out of my pockets
>Crying, I try and run
>At this point spaghetti is everywhere
>Grandmother catches me, and ties me down
>Turns out that the sweater was actually my mothers, which is named Juliet
>Spaghetti is flying everywhere
>Uncontrollable
>Spaghetti gets on sweater
>I still feel bad, I then throw up
>Throw up is all over the new sweater
>Vomit on my new sweater
>I notice that theres spaghetti in my throw up that I ate last night
>Mom cooked it
>Vomit on my sweater already
>Moms spaghetti
>I'm very nervous
>But I'm calm and ready
>I drop the bomb on grandmother
>Destroys world
>Oops, there goes gravity
>I'm so pissed off
>Goes back to the lab
>Just another day in Compton.

---

I literally sat there for a good 10 minutes typing that. I have no clue why.

[Nefarious]

>not /b/
>lel.jpeg

What is this "/b/" you speak of?

>Be 13
>It's Christmas
>Grandmother knits me a sweater
>I like it, because it has "J" on it, and it was really cool
>Loveineverystitch.jpg
>I wear the sweater to school after break
>Everyone makes fun of me
>I tell everyone that my grandmother made it
>They laugh more
>My friend suggests that maybe it's cursed or something
>(Remember, we were young)
>I think that's crazy talk
>I go to bed with the sweater in my closet
>I wake up and it's on my chair
>Chair is where I usually put my clothes to wear for school
>Figured mother put it there
>whatever
>I put it on, and as soon as I put it on, I start to feel woozy
>Take tums
>Go outside, and notice my bike tires were flat
>feelsbadman.jpg
>Despite that, still go to school
>Walking to school, I notice my shoelace is untied
>bend down to tie it
>I notice stepped it gum
>whatthefuckshit
>Scrape it off
>Thinking to myself, "Why am I having such a bad day"
>Then I think about what my friend said
>Rush to my grandmothers house
>Knock on the door
>She lets me in
>I proceed to ask her about the sweater
>"Grandmother, not to be mean but I've had a run of bad luck since I've been wearing this sweater."
>She says, "Oh I know."
>whatthefuck.jpg
>"Grandma, is this thing cursed?"
>Points a gun to my head and replies, "Well yes!"
>I then notice when she steps back
>She's actually the loch ness monster
>"No grandma, please no!"
>Spaghetti is oozing out of my pockets
>Crying, I try and run
>At this point spaghetti is everywhere
>Grandmother catches me, and ties me down
>Turns out that the sweater was actually my mothers, which is named Juliet
>Spaghetti is flying everywhere
>Uncontrollable
>Spaghetti gets on sweater
>I still feel bad, I then throw up
>Throw up is all over the new sweater
>Vomit on my new sweater
>I notice that theres spaghetti in my throw up that I ate last night
>Mom cooked it
>Vomit on my sweater already
>Moms spaghetti
>I'm very nervous
>But I'm calm and ready
>I drop the bomb on grandmother
>Destroys world
>Oops, there goes gravity
>I'm so pissed off
>Goes back to the lab
>Just another day in Compton.

---

I literally sat there for a good 10 minutes typing that. I have no clue why.

Thank you for your dedication.

[Customer]

What is this "/b/" you speak of?
Thank you for your dedication.

I'm laighing so hard fucking keyboard is covered in tears

[Loli]

>Be 18
>Girlfriend's 17
>Been dating for months now
>This guy named Joe comes out of fucking nowhere into my life
>He's my new coworker at my company
>Find out he has no money, no place of residence
>Moved here for the job and can no longer afford his hotel
>decide to open up to him
>Keep him in my apartment for weeks
>Bro is pretty cool
>We play the vidya, drink beers, watch football
>This continues for fucking months
>Afterwards, find out girlfriend is pregnant
>By all tradition, I have to marry her now
>One night, eating out at dinner
>I pop the question to my wife
>She admits the baby isn't mine, and she was raped by Joe
>She isn't ready to make a commitment after being violated
>Go home in a fucking rage
>Feels like a trance
>Throw out all Joe's shit
>Gonna fucking kill Joe when he gets home
>Joe gets home about 1am
>As soon as he opens the door I fucking punch him in his bastard face
>Eye swells up like a ball of cotton
>He swings at me
>Dodge and sweep his leg
>He falls down
>In a giant murderous rage right now
>Go to fucking room, grab my handgun out of my drawer
>Go back to confront Joe
>Joe jumps in his car and speeds off into the distance
>I haven't seen or heard from him since
>On the phone a month later with my brother
>He finally asks why I've been so depressed
>I tell him if it hadn't been for cotton-eye Joe
>I'd been married a long time ago
>Where did he come from where did you go-
>Where did you come from Cotton-Eye Joe?

>moldycopypasta.jpeg

[ErroraBorealis]

>Be 18
>Girlfriend's 17
>Been dating for months now
>This guy named Joe comes out of fucking nowhere into my life
>He's my new coworker at my company
>Find out he has no money, no place of residence
>Moved here for the job and can no longer afford his hotel
>decide to open up to him
>Keep him in my apartment for weeks
>Bro is pretty cool
>We play the vidya, drink beers, watch football
>This continues for fucking months
>Afterwards, find out girlfriend is pregnant
>By all tradition, I have to marry her now
>One night, eating out at dinner
>I pop the question to my wife
>She admits the baby isn't mine, and she was raped by Joe
>She isn't ready to make a commitment after being violated
>Go home in a fucking rage
>Feels like a trance
>Throw out all Joe's shit
>Gonna fucking kill Joe when he gets home
>Joe gets home about 1am
>As soon as he opens the door I fucking punch him in his bastard face
>Eye swells up like a ball of cotton
>He swings at me
>Dodge and sweep his leg
>He falls down
>In a giant murderous rage right now
>Go to fucking room, grab my handgun out of my drawer
>Go back to confront Joe
>Joe jumps in his car and speeds off into the distance
>I haven't seen or heard from him since
>On the phone a month later with my brother
>He finally asks why I've been so depressed
>I tell him if it hadn't been for cotton-eye Joe
>I'd been married a long time ago
>Where did he come from where did you go-
>Where did you come from Cotton-Eye Joe?

>moldycopypasta.jpeg

This is proof of the existence of the copy and paste function our computers have for sure. Archaeologists won't question it. Still a good story though.

[Loli]

This is proof of the existence of the copy and paste function our computers have for sure. Archaeologists won't question it. Still a good story though.

The original story had many grammatical errors that didn't fly with me. I completely typed that out and fixed issues as they came along. /shrug

[Nefarious]

Longest one I've ever seen.

Spoiler:

[Customer]

>Be 18
>Girlfriend's 17
>Been dating for months now
>This guy named Joe comes out of fucking nowhere into my life
>He's my new coworker at my company
>Find out he has no money, no place of residence
>Moved here for the job and can no longer afford his hotel
>decide to open up to him
>Keep him in my apartment for weeks
>Bro is pretty cool
>We play the vidya, drink beers, watch football
>This continues for fucking months
>Afterwards, find out girlfriend is pregnant
>By all tradition, I have to marry her now
>One night, eating out at dinner
>I pop the question to my wife
>She admits the baby isn't mine, and she was raped by Joe
>She isn't ready to make a commitment after being violated
>Go home in a fucking rage
>Feels like a trance
>Throw out all Joe's shit
>Gonna fucking kill Joe when he gets home
>Joe gets home about 1am
>As soon as he opens the door I fucking punch him in his bastard face
>Eye swells up like a ball of cotton
>He swings at me
>Dodge and sweep his leg
>He falls down
>In a giant murderous rage right now
>Go to fucking room, grab my handgun out of my drawer
>Go back to confront Joe
>Joe jumps in his car and speeds off into the distance
>I haven't seen or heard from him since
>On the phone a month later with my brother
>He finally asks why I've been so depressed
>I tell him if it hadn't been for cotton-eye Joe
>I'd been married a long time ago
>Where did he come from where did you go-
>Where did you come from Cotton-Eye Joe?

>moldycopypasta.jpeg

I lol'd, even though I've read it before.