[Cressi]

I do own these Vans... They've been in the sea, horse shit, mud, and left out in the rain.

Maybe I could clean them up and claim discoloration from wearing them for one day in the sun?
http://puu.sh/bfxFx/8bb5ed831d.jpg

That could work, or you say it's from wearing them out in the rain for the walk from the bus stop and home (or something like that)

The do love their customers, but they can be... difficult.

Indeed, but you can always make a PoP from Amazon, and claim directly from the Vans ^^

Spoiler:

Have you ever thought about the Vans logo?
It doesn't say "Vans"; it says "Square root of Answer" o.O