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I'd probably return the perfume and try with a different website as long as you can find someone else that sells it.

I mean, the initial claim is rather trivial, insignificant broken bottles...
But then once you pushed it hard, provided pictures of the damage etc...

How do you ever justify returning them unscathed lmao?

I know, I know, there's 99.9% chance the warehouse guys will never notice, link your return to the claim...
Yet if they do... Now it has become personal, that stubborn rep could (f)actually fuck you over 

For the lulz only, I'd love to hear some of yall best excuses in this scenario.

My usual reply to this (which is a valid concern) is that returns are usually automated and just a button you press on the website that will start the returns process. You don't have to go crawling back to the rep and ask for them to manually process a return. Like you say, the people dealing with returns are not going to be linked with the customer service people dealing with complaints. Personally, I just don't care and if they did question it, I'd just say I bought the same product from multiple websites and mixed them up. I doubt the rep could even do much if they somehow linked your return with the failed SE although I have no experience with that and I'm just guessing.