[mothered]

Apple is the most annoying company ever, good luck

You're not wrong there.

The package was left at my front door and was not signed for or handed to anyone, it was just sitting there.

Perfect to DNA It.

Do note that Apple may ask you to deal with the carrier, but remain adamant that they're responsible for handling your claim.

The only other method I've considered is a disposed of faulty item method by staging a battery leak. I just successfully did this SE on a laptop with a different retailer so I'd be confident I could get it to work here

Go for It.

I also don't have the tools or equipment for sealed box method atm

As of late, Apple opens and Inspects goods when using the sealed box method, particularly with phones.