[mothered]

I’m only familiar with DNA

The wrong Item received and the sealed box method are both suitable.

I’ve read that Newegg is a terrible choice.

Correct.

Newegg Is difficult to deal with at the best of times.

Realistically, will a DNA of this amount require a police report?

The DNA tends to trigger an Investigation and subsequent to that, a PR Is likely to be requested.

I’m a bit worried about having to file a fake police report.

Never falsify a police report.

It's only needed for administration purposes to move forward with the claim, so It's fine to file one.

Should I consider another method besides DNA?

As per above.

What do you all think the best place for a DNA on a laptop would be?

As @"Canadian Moose" mentioned - Best Buy.