Hilarious One Liners ------- Laugh! Laugh!! Laugh!!! 06-12-2011, 02:55 PM
#1
If a deaf man could see dead people, would you say he had a fifth sense?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures??
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do stairs go up or down?
What exactly is Miracle Whip? And is there an alternative spread for atheists?
If you prayed to God in writing, and asked him to dam the local river, but spelled it wrong, and accidentally added the "N" at the end of dam, and then the next day the river was boiling and on fire, would that make you feel funny?
If it costs a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in, who's making a penny?
Why don't towels have sleeves?
Why do they say that money doesn't grow on trees. It's made of paper, isn't it?
Why do we drink drinks but we don't food foods?
If humans evolved from monkeys, did God evolve from little God monkeys? And what were THEY like?
Who is this Dawn? And why are we so concerned about her crack early in the morning?
If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that when you blow in a dogs face it gets mad at you but when you take the dog in a car it sticks its head out the window?
How come you don't sneeze when you're sleeping?
If you add half and half to your coffee, isn't it now third and third and third?
Does condensed milk come from tiny little cows?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Is it really a cooincidence that if you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
When someone asks a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, do you get a penny back?
If there were really psychics, why would we still have lotteries?
If a boomerang always comes back to you when you throw it, why throw it?
Do you suppose Colonel Sanders reported to General Tso in the Chicken Army?
If you want to procrastinate, should you get started on it right away or wait a while?
Why do we say birds fly south for the winter? Don't they fly north for the summer too?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
Western mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Why is it if someone says there are a billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they say a wall has wet paint you have to touch it to be sure?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"
Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
Do blondes really have more fun, or is it just something we tell them to keep them from annoying us further?
If we weren't meant to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?
If Helen Keller were psychic, would you say she had a fourth sense?
What goes through a bird's mind when he finds himself flying through a fireworks display?
We have milage, yardage, and footage - why don't we have inchage?
What year did Jesus think it was?
If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?
Where does Barney Rubble work?
How old are Bert & Ernie?
What if they're watching you right now?
Shouldn't anyone who's pro-life think of themselves as nine months older than they do?
Wouldn't the King's horses working on Humpty Dumpty actually make it a lot harder for the King's men to put him back together again?
Did Colonel Sanders report to General Tso in the great chicken army?
Why isn't Superman under more restriction from the FAA?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
You know how most packages say "Open here". Where the Hell else are you supposed to be?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why do they call them buildings if they're already done? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures??
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do stairs go up or down?
What exactly is Miracle Whip? And is there an alternative spread for atheists?
If you prayed to God in writing, and asked him to dam the local river, but spelled it wrong, and accidentally added the "N" at the end of dam, and then the next day the river was boiling and on fire, would that make you feel funny?
If it costs a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in, who's making a penny?
Why don't towels have sleeves?
Why do they say that money doesn't grow on trees. It's made of paper, isn't it?
Why do we drink drinks but we don't food foods?
If humans evolved from monkeys, did God evolve from little God monkeys? And what were THEY like?
Who is this Dawn? And why are we so concerned about her crack early in the morning?
If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that when you blow in a dogs face it gets mad at you but when you take the dog in a car it sticks its head out the window?
How come you don't sneeze when you're sleeping?
If you add half and half to your coffee, isn't it now third and third and third?
Does condensed milk come from tiny little cows?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Is it really a cooincidence that if you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
When someone asks a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, do you get a penny back?
If there were really psychics, why would we still have lotteries?
If a boomerang always comes back to you when you throw it, why throw it?
Do you suppose Colonel Sanders reported to General Tso in the Chicken Army?
If you want to procrastinate, should you get started on it right away or wait a while?
Why do we say birds fly south for the winter? Don't they fly north for the summer too?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
Western mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Why is it if someone says there are a billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they say a wall has wet paint you have to touch it to be sure?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"
Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
Do blondes really have more fun, or is it just something we tell them to keep them from annoying us further?
If we weren't meant to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?
If Helen Keller were psychic, would you say she had a fourth sense?
What goes through a bird's mind when he finds himself flying through a fireworks display?
We have milage, yardage, and footage - why don't we have inchage?
What year did Jesus think it was?
If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?
Where does Barney Rubble work?
How old are Bert & Ernie?
What if they're watching you right now?
Shouldn't anyone who's pro-life think of themselves as nine months older than they do?
Wouldn't the King's horses working on Humpty Dumpty actually make it a lot harder for the King's men to put him back together again?
Did Colonel Sanders report to General Tso in the great chicken army?
Why isn't Superman under more restriction from the FAA?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
You know how most packages say "Open here". Where the Hell else are you supposed to be?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why do they call them buildings if they're already done? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Hate it or love it the under dog's on top
And I'm gon shine homie until my heart stop
And I'm gon shine homie until my heart stop
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